Thank you for not committing suicide.
I am writing this to you at 4:53 in the morning. It has been a long crazy road and I figured you deserved to be told (by the person who knows you the most, aka yourself) that you pushing through is the best choice you have ever made. Growing up struggling with weight, race, and dealing with people who made your life hell, was terrible. Even at a young age people would spit into your face, kick sand into your eyes, leave you alone when they were supposed to baby sit just to go smoke crack and forget you existed, not care when a group of boys pinned you down at age 3 because no one was watching you, treat you like a freak, treat you like a ghost, treat you like being born was the biggest offense to everyone. Most of the time you felt like you had a stamp on your head that everyone could see but you, that told them to hate you, use you, mistreat you and make you want to die because I had no right being born into their world.
Rude comments, not fitting in, being limited on what clothes to wear, you would try everything in the book (starving yourself, slimfast, cutting down meals and even diet pills… sometimes mixing them and a hand full at a time when you got so depressed)
You would drive yourself nuts looking at models, or watching music videos that made you feel that if you couldn’t be that girl on tv then you were worth nothing at all. You would get sick with dizzy spells from not eating, you would really harm your body internally. You could cut your arms from hating your body so much due to the harsh words and judgements from your fellow students. Growing up Spanish in a white town was one hell of a battle, one you thought you would lose and look…. you made it (Hello being 24!).
They would call you a nigger, stare, make jokes, tell you that your skin is ugly, your hair was weird because curly isn’t normal, make fun of your full lips, make fun of you because you got your period before any of them, make fun of you for having boobs and constantly make you feel like shit about them, make fun of you for your shape, call you a giant, stupid, weird, or even call you a liar when you mentioned something that you experienced while living in the city before hand because they never got a chance to experience anything out of this town. They made you your worst enemy.
They made you hate yourself. You lost faith in god for a long time, you lost faith in yourself, you could cry every single day, you would always think about suicide, you started cutting your skin because you wanted to destroy what everyone around you seemed to hate so much.
Seems everyone remembers me from being the weird “goth” girl in high school, the crazy girl who didn’t give a shit. Well, I while I didn’t “give a shit” I still hated myself, I just didn’t give a shit about anyone around me, They made me into a solider of a one person war against myself. I figured being weird and myself would just help keeping people away from me, well those people who judged me already. I did befriend a lot of other people though, the ones who knew what it was like to be frowned upon for having a heart beat. People would stare, make songs about me, make rumors, and I would just go along with it. I figured they doomed me as freak show before I ever even wore something a little different, so let me just be the star of this show.
You had really rough relationships where most of them would try to control you, break you down and make you feel worthless. Called ugly, fat, worthless, slapped in the face, cheated on until you would go to leave then all of a sudden they “needed” you. You have dealt with so many games, you didn’t know who to believe. Lets not even get into details about the shit they put you through, maybe one day they will write themselves a letter and realize what a cold soul they have. I forgive them though, I just hope they can forgive themselves.
After quitting school because of your depression and the school consoler being pretty sure she would read about you in the obituary (I am grateful for all the times she hugged and listened to me), you started having major panic attacks. Panic attacks almost 7 times a day some days, to the point where you thought you were on your death bed. You got so bad, you couldn’t even leave your bed and mom had to walk you to the shower because you were so scared of death you thought you would have a heart attack and die on the journey to the bathtub. You became almost insane from being scared of dying (which is totally opposite because you used to want to die more than anything else). You were scared someone would break in and kill you, so you didn’t sleep. Your brain would explode randomly from thinking too hard, someone would shoot a gun and a stray bullet would come through your window and kill you at your computer, your heart would just stop if you let it beat too hard so you would try not to walk, etc etc etc….. until Your prayer came true and while watching the sun rise you felt everything suddenly be lifted and you knew that all of that fear was gone. Being put under constant pressure by an ex and his family, drove you into such stress you lost control of your body and life, you got it back though… by having faith and putting your foot down.
It’s really weird that we are here now, grown up when we vowed to kill ourself and never live past 18. The weirdest part is, that now you are proud of who you are. You stopped believing them and started embracing who you are and what you have. You now have so many friends who love you for being YOU, (something you thought would never be possible), you now stick to your guns and never try to impress anyone, you put yourself on the line like no one has ever hurt you and you roll with the punches. You are this strong person that was built by struggle. Who knew you would once be grateful for all the shit you went through.
Ok, while that is all true, I lied about the weirdest part… the weirdest part actually is that most of those people now “love” you. They compliment you, they say they wish they had your big boobs, they wish they had your curly hair, your skin tone, they say your lips are perfect, they even say you have a sexy body (even while you weigh 218). The guys who made you feel like shit, are now hitting on you and trying sleep with you. That my friend, is fucking weird. Just like when you are little and parents say ” the boy who picks on you, does it because he likes you” and you think well why the fuck is he making my life a living hell if he likes me? You don’t ever think that anyone who has ever treated you such a way would one day be nice. I don’t judge them though, everyone has their own battle. Maybe some of them were beaten, hid eating disorders, etc and you just so happen to be the girl they took it out on. I could never do to them what they did to me, so I treat them like I wanted to be treated, and that is with respect and love.
I am proud that you finally show who you are and don’t try to hide it, that you befriend these people who almost doomed you to suicide because you believe no one should ever feel alone, that you don’t need others words to live your life, and I am proud to be you.
I am glad you never gave up, never ever give up. You are never alone, even if you lack friends… just remember the future you will be there to thank you for taking it like a champ.